BNP Launch Bid for SKY TV

Today, cross-eyed British National Party leader Nic Griffin announced his party’s proposal to bid for ownership rights for SKY and SKY News.

"We don’t know why we didn’t think of it years back! SKY TV represents a massive proportion of our demographic that we need to constantly engage with, making it a fantastic acquisition to our BNP portfolio of brands" Griffin continued; "We've also got our eye on Emmerdale and Coronation Street"

Griffin, whose far-right party have vigorously denied being a Neo-Nazi party also said; "We aren’t racist, we just want to uphold good old British values, of not liking foreigners whether it be at home or abroad, our terrible grasp of languages and beer consumption that turns frustrated shaven headed gents into barbarians by night”.

The pint-sized Asian-hater continued, “Anyone who watches SKY , inherently possess these great British values. They also give me airtime, which cant be a bad thing eh?”

When quizzed about his interest in British media , he also stated that soap operas such as Emmerdale and Coronation Street were "Good old British soaps which fairly represent the pure Christian white majority of British people, with the odd exception” he said pointing to a picture of Dav Patel.

Mr Griffin failed to comment on Eastenders.

New Conservative Government to Make Monocle-Wearing Mandatory

The new Conservative Government announced today via press conference that all upper-class pursuits will be made mandatory for all UK citizens.

Starting from the 1st of September, the new rules introduced by the The Organisation of Fine arts Facilities will become British law and be punishable by death if not followed.

Some of the more controversial laws include:

*All men over the age of 19 to wear monocles in one eye, both eyes if over 45.

*Fox Hunting mandatory on Sundays, in areas where they aren't available cats and dogs maybe used. (Corgi's excepted)

*All drinks to be served from Champagne flutes, pint glasses now abolished.

*All music banned, with the exception of Kenny G.

*Racism will now be reduced to a level of "a bit risqué", but "amusing if well timed a a cocktail party".

If you've heard of any other laws being secretly introduced, feel free to list them in the comments section below.

McDonald's Korea Launches McWoof Burger

McDonald's of Korea announced today that they will be launching a country-specific menu, starting with the McWoof burger.



The McWoof is available in a selection of flavours including Chilli-Chiwawa, Barbeque-Beagle and the Teriyaki-Terrier.

If successful, the menu will be expanded to China, Japan and parts of Northern England.

Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week: American "English"

It’s everyone’s favourite/most hated feature, please take another look at my C.R.O.T.C.H!

This week we have American English or “Why people who learnt English as a second language now feel that they’re more knowledgeable about it than the very people who fucking invented it’

We all know that most Americans are loud, annoying and 60% of them are morbidly obese, but did you also know that they can’t spell or talk properly either?

First example, you’re in a Cinema, the trailers come up for some Jerry Twatheimer/Michael Gay Crapduction film, after 30 seconds of CGI, explosions and vaguely middle-eastern people being shot in the face, you get the date: “COMING JULY SEVEN”.

Now every other country in the world writes their dates from smallest part (day) to the biggest (year) or the reverse of that, but what do the Yanks do? Middle, Small, Big – what a load of fucking nonsense.
What, do you say your birthday is on the March of 5?
Maybe they’re just being lazy, which is why they don’t say FIFTH or THIRD, they just say the month and a number, making them sound like illiterate twat-wads, or children.
DECEMBER ONE, APRIL THREE, are you fucking kidding me?
Now, all of this wouldn’t be a problem expect they force everyone to use their stupid retarded system on the interwebs for any kind of online registration.

What do you mean 23/12/1980 isn’t accepted you back-arsed shit-tard?

Christ help you if your birthday is between January and September, you’ll probably end up getting birthday reminders 6 months early/late thanks to this stupid cock-up.

Michael Bay's well directed interesting movie: Coming this holiday-fall-thanksgiving, July 7, 2-thousand-NEVER.

OK, so if there are any Americans still reading, I will say this only once, THIS is the correct way to say it/write it: “The 31st of March, 2010”

Next up, I saw this in a episode of “Lost” (no I don’t hate everything American)

Jack deciding whether he's either stupid or retarded

(In a funeral parlour)
Funeral Guy: “Are you friend or family”
Jack “Either”

Either!?
What the fuck does that mean? So you are both? You want the funeral director to choose or guess?
The word is NEITHER as in NOT EITHER of them.
For example: “Do you want a liposuction on your fat arse or your sagging stomach?”
Answer: “Either would be fine, can I have McShake with that?”

This next one I’ve seen several people on various TV shows and around the net saying this and it really is ridiculously stupid.
On being asked who they want to win the Best Film Oscar, Avatar or The Hurt Locker:
“I could care less about it”

What the shits name kind of answer is that?
This one I’m not sure if it’s an American expression or just several million of them making the same mistake.
Let me say this clearly so you don’t get confused, it’s “I COULDN’T care less”
As in I couldn’t give a fuck, couldn’t give a shit etc.
If you COULD care less, that means you care a bit and you ARE bothered about the thing in question. Jesus Christ.

Next up: Swearing.

As we all know, British people are the best at swearing in the world, closely followed by the Australians, who have probably made it into a sport and are currently in training for it for the next Olympics.

Americans on the other hand, not so much.

First of all they changed all our swear words/expressions to make them LESS offensive to their delicate Christian God-fearing ears.
For example “Wanker” was changed to “Jerk Off”, jerk is pretty tame if you think about it.

But my all time favourite is how that “Twat” is pronounced “Twot” by Americans, hahaha TWOT!!

Go on, give it a try, write down twat on a piece of paper and ask them to say it if you don’t believe me, it’s hilarious!
But at the same time, annoying that they think we’re saying it wrong.
We invented swearing, get it right burger boys.

Ha, and if you want to make any American faint (apart from Larry David, genius) just say CUNT at the top of your voice.
I’m telling you, walk into the roughest bar in the toughest city in the States, walk up to the biggest guy in the room, say CUNT to his face and he’ll pass out while making the sign of the cross on his forehead.

Fact.

American man passes out after 82-year old British woman says the C-word in his face

Nick Griffin Firebombs Own House After DNA Mixup

In an unfortunate accident earlier this week, Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP has his home ruthlessly firebombed, by his own doing, after being told that his Great-Great Grandfather was Indian.

Nick Griffin, bong-eyed, overweight, child-fiddling racist leader of the BNP.

The infamously racial politician appeared on the revered BBC documentary "Who Do You Think You Are?" where celebrities donate a sample of their DNA to discover their ancestor's roots.
Unfortunately Mr Griffin's DNA results got mixed up with Channel 4 news presenter Krishnan Guru Murthy's, resulting in his genetic makeup being described as "90% Indian, 10% Bangladeshi".

Next-door neighbour and eye-witness to the fire-bombing, Jeff Snitchtits, recounts the scene shortly after the DNA results came in;

"I saw Nick come running down the street shouting things like 'bugger off back to where ya came from' and 'I'll teach you for marrying a bloody ethnic', the weird thing was he seemed to be shouting them at his own house and wife"

Police psychologists have since fathomed that the views of his political party and his believed ancestral roots, caused a huge conflict of interests in his mind, leading to massive brain haemorrhage, which sparked the outrageous self-harming behaviour.

Krishnan Guru Murthy, not currently the leader of the BNP.

Mr Griffin has since been told his actual DNA breakdown, which came in as "1% White-European, 99% twat".

Scientology Cult Buys Out Catholic Church

In shocking news out of The Vatican today, The Pope announced that the Catholic Church is to merge with the Church of Scientology.

This comes after the news that the Cult of Scientology had become the richest "religion" in the world, mainly thanks to it's A-list celebrity endorsements and extortion schemes.

The merge will cause some changes within the religions, The Pope will now be renamed "Lord Xenu" Alien Overlord and saviour of the humans from the evil Thetan spirits.

Other changes include:

* A limit on child molestation. (1 per priest)

* $30 charge upon entering any (previously) Catholic Church.

* Four-hour personality tests for anyone wanting to enter the new religion.

* No scientists or psychologists allowed.

* Must turn in the deeds to your house/kids if you want to join BLSHT Level 3 or above. (previously level 4)

Chairman and Co-Alien Overlord, David Miscavige, said he was very happy with the merger and smooth takeover of the Catholic Church in a press statement earlier today:

"We'd had our eye on the Catholics for a while now as they had a huge wealth and global image that we really wanted to make the best of, plus it cost us pennies!"

When asked about the controversies surrounding both parts of this now dual "Super-Religion" he pleaded for a fresh start in the eyes of all the previous and new followers.

"Let's forget about everything that happened in the past, literally - we've written the entire history of the planet in simple clear terms for everyone to understand; from the day the planet was created by the Gassok 7 Space-cruiser, to the day Scientology killed Hitler and prevented 9/11 simultaneously"

For people previously on the fence between the two, they no longer have to decide which is better, abusing children or believing we've all been possessed by intergalactic aliens.

Both Tabbzy and Charltzy have become SciekoCaths and encourage everyone to join, providing you can afford the £33,000 registration fee.

Banterography Competition Update/Reminder!

Greetings, banter fans!

Just a quick reminder that the Banterography competition is up and running and we are accepting submissions RIGHT NOW.
That's a hint people, take some twatting pictures already, look it's simple:

I (Charltzy) took those 2 with the camera stuck up my arse, so I know you lot can do better.

I got one idea for anyone in the UK, what I'd love to see is the poster stuck on the back of an electric wheelchair, you get extra points if it's outside a jobcentre while the owner is freely walking around inside cashing a Giro.

Good luck Banterographers!

Get the image download here

Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week: Social Networking

Get strapped in for everyone’s favourite feature here on the BanterBlog, another look at my C.R.O.T.C.H.

Today we have Social Networking or "I will disguise my pathetic excuse for a life by constantly telling everyone how interesting I am, but actually sounding like a complete twat in the process”



Digs at Social Networking are nothing new on the BanterBlog, heck we created Twatter before it actually turned into the real thing, and let’s not forget poor old Barry Twinklemire.

I guess it all started with Friend Reunited, or as we call it “Retards United” which was a well-meaning website that, officially, was trying to bring people together that might have lost contact, but in reality was a reason to boast about how you went to University compared to all the others in your class who are now smackhead McDonald managers.

At least that had a purpose, compared to what came next – Facebook. Now this is not even pretending to have some well meaning agenda, this is basically a list of everyone you’ve ever known/met/passed in the street.

This is how the FriendFace virus spreads: You say “Hi” in a pub to someone, they’re on your Shitface friends list.
They upload some pictures of you with your knob out, and they tag it with your name, before you know it 20 people have commented on the cock in question, so you add them as “friends” too.

The sickening thing is that now you feel happy that you’ve upped your friend count by 56 people from one night of naked wang-swinging.
Now of the 89,956 friends you have on your list, the 2 people you actually know will see not only your dick, but that you have a football stadium amount of friends.

Well, a round of fucking applause, you stupid twat.

Remember that dickhead you used to work with who boasted about how much they went out, a thinly disguised way of telling you how popular they are?

Arsebook has made it possible for EVERYONE to be that twat, not only that, but you don’t have to be at work, or even in the presence of an actual human fucking being to boast about it.

Don’t even get me started on Twitter, which is basically a simplified version of TitHeadBook for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Time to write something truthful on your next status update:
“I’m sat here all alone, I have no actual close friends, so I decided to lie and exaggerate about what I’m actually doing to make it look like I’m really busy and popular”

See also:
FaceBook Friend Saves Man From Suicide, Two Weeks Too Late
BanterCast Teams Up With Online Service "Twatter"

Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week: American "Football"

Today we have the first of a new regular feature here on the BanterBlog, Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week, or C.R.O.T.C.H for short.

Today we have American "Football" or "a classic example of the Yanks not getting something the Brits invented then fucking it up like some kind of mentally-reversed sports fanatic".

Football, lovely football. You know what I'm talking about don't you? The game where you use your FOOT to kick a BALL around a PITCH.
It was invented back the them olden days, apparently King Arthur or whatever used to dig two holes either end of the courtyard and played a game where you kick an inflated pigs bladder into them there holes. (must be true, saw it in a movie/history books)

Fast forward a couple hundred years, now there are nets and rules and we named it "football", because of the previously mentioned Foot+Ball combination that was involved.

Then in 1869, the Brits had the decency to show some American university lads how to play football proper, they had a whale of a time (even though they were a bit shit), so we showed them this other game we'd invented called "Rugby", that's when it all went downhill.

The first American "Football" team - the "Snatchweiner Retards".

Soon as they left back to the old UK, those American college boys started pissing around during football games, picking up the ball and throwing it around willy-nilly.
Then some professors came in and said; "Well if you're gonna throw it around y'all, why don't you play by them ol' Rugby roolz dagnammit?"

That's when it all just got mental.

They we're throwing the ball forwards, sideways, kicking it, trying to mount it, running headfirst into each other and the goal posts. There were half-conscious bleeding Americans strewn across the pitch. It was a bloodbath.

Before you knew it, they'd wrapped them all up in lots of padding, made rules to stop the game every 15 seconds and padded the goal posts.
They also agreed to make it more like Rugby as they preferred picking up the ball and running with it, (kicking it was a bit too hard for them) only allowing them to touch the ball with their feet when it was in a controlled situation and nobody was in the way.

Now it came time to name this bastardisation of a sport; it looked like Rugby, but they were padded up like mentally disabled people. The rules meant the game was so slow paced there was hardly any running involved and they only touched the ball with their feet maybe once in a whole game - "Hmmmmm what should we call it?" they thought.

"I know" said one idiot - "FOOT-BALL"

"But don't Europeans and most of the people on the entire planet already play a game called Football?" said one guy chewing on his shoulder pad.

"Well I'm fresh out of ideas" said the first arse-tard.

"I got it!" said a huge obese guy writing in his own shit on the floor, "Let's rename THEIR game to something stupid sounding"

Arse-tard quickly thought: "Suck-ball!"

Obese shit-face blurted out: "No, SUCKER sounds better"

From that day onwards, that's how the Yanks stole and fucked up 2 sports to make a stupid retardation of a sport that only they play, yet refuse to call it something different than an already named sport that 95% of the world play and already called - FOOTBALL.

A modern Yankball player

I'm currently writing rules for a new sport that involves bouncing a ball around a wooden court, you win by throwing balls through a basket.

Everyone has to wear padded armour, because all players get to carry Samurai swords.

It's like that sport they play in the US, what's it called - Hoopball?

Now, what to name MY new sport...