This week we have American English or “Why people who learnt English as a second language now feel that they’re more knowledgeable about it than the very people who fucking invented it’
We all know that most Americans are loud, annoying and 60% of them are morbidly obese, but did you also know that they can’t spell or talk properly either?
First example, you’re in a Cinema, the trailers come up for some Jerry Twatheimer/Michael Gay Crapduction film, after 30 seconds of CGI, explosions and vaguely middle-eastern people being shot in the face, you get the date: “COMING JULY SEVEN”.
Now every other country in the world writes their dates from smallest part (day) to the biggest (year) or the reverse of that, but what do the Yanks do? Middle, Small, Big – what a load of fucking nonsense.
What, do you say your birthday is on the March of 5?
Maybe they’re just being lazy, which is why they don’t say FIFTH or THIRD, they just say the month and a number, making them sound like illiterate twat-wads, or children.
DECEMBER ONE, APRIL THREE, are you fucking kidding me?
Now, all of this wouldn’t be a problem expect they force everyone to use their stupid retarded system on the interwebs for any kind of online registration.
What, do you say your birthday is on the March of 5?
Maybe they’re just being lazy, which is why they don’t say FIFTH or THIRD, they just say the month and a number, making them sound like illiterate twat-wads, or children.
DECEMBER ONE, APRIL THREE, are you fucking kidding me?
Now, all of this wouldn’t be a problem expect they force everyone to use their stupid retarded system on the interwebs for any kind of online registration.
What do you mean 23/12/1980 isn’t accepted you back-arsed shit-tard?
Christ help you if your birthday is between January and September, you’ll probably end up getting birthday reminders 6 months early/late thanks to this stupid cock-up.
Michael Bay's well directed interesting movie: Coming this holiday-fall-thanksgiving, July 7, 2-thousand-NEVER.
OK, so if there are any Americans still reading, I will say this only once, THIS is the correct way to say it/write it: “The 31st of March, 2010”
Next up, I saw this in a episode of “Lost” (no I don’t hate everything American)
Jack deciding whether he's either stupid or retarded
(In a funeral parlour)
Funeral Guy: “Are you friend or family”
Jack “Either”
Either!?
What the fuck does that mean? So you are both? You want the funeral director to choose or guess?
The word is NEITHER as in NOT EITHER of them.
For example: “Do you want a liposuction on your fat arse or your sagging stomach?”
Answer: “Either would be fine, can I have McShake with that?”
This next one I’ve seen several people on various TV shows and around the net saying this and it really is ridiculously stupid.
On being asked who they want to win the Best Film Oscar, Avatar or The Hurt Locker:
“I could care less about it”
What the shits name kind of answer is that?
This one I’m not sure if it’s an American expression or just several million of them making the same mistake.
Let me say this clearly so you don’t get confused, it’s “I COULDN’T care less”
As in I couldn’t give a fuck, couldn’t give a shit etc.
If you COULD care less, that means you care a bit and you ARE bothered about the thing in question. Jesus Christ.
Next up: Swearing.
As we all know, British people are the best at swearing in the world, closely followed by the Australians, who have probably made it into a sport and are currently in training for it for the next Olympics.
Americans on the other hand, not so much.
First of all they changed all our swear words/expressions to make them LESS offensive to their delicate Christian God-fearing ears.
For example “Wanker” was changed to “Jerk Off”, jerk is pretty tame if you think about it.
But my all time favourite is how that “Twat” is pronounced “Twot” by Americans, hahaha TWOT!!
Go on, give it a try, write down twat on a piece of paper and ask them to say it if you don’t believe me, it’s hilarious!
But at the same time, annoying that they think we’re saying it wrong.
We invented swearing, get it right burger boys.
Ha, and if you want to make any American faint (apart from Larry David, genius) just say CUNT at the top of your voice.
I’m telling you, walk into the roughest bar in the toughest city in the States, walk up to the biggest guy in the room, say CUNT to his face and he’ll pass out while making the sign of the cross on his forehead.
Fact.
American man passes out after 82-year old British woman says the C-word in his face
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