Friday, August 12, 2011

Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week: The Riots


An emergency C.R.O.T.C.H today, getting rightly pissed off with all the commentary and bullshit surrounding the riots, here we go:

The riots in the UK or "Why a bunch of commercialised fuckwads on summer holidays decided to show the world how fucking vile British people can be"

Lots of people blaming all sorts for the riots, they're all wrong of course, here's why.

"It's David Cameron's fault cos he's dead posh and shit"
OK I agree Cameron is a worthless piece of shit, born with a sliver spoon up his arse and hates anyone who didn't go to Eton, but he didn't start the British culture of masturbating over celebrity culture, commercialism, racism, laziness and the feeling the Government owes them a living.

Fuck U Cam'run we stealin dem Mars Bars

"It's just London cos it's full of blacks innit"
The peaceful demonstration that took place before the riots was almost exclusively attended by black people. The looting and rioting started then suddenly the crowds started looking whiter and whiter. How the fuck is thieving a 42 inch TV in a transit van anything to do with protesting police brutality against a black man?

"It's rap music that warps them kids, even the white kids are starting to talk like blacks now"
Nice bit of blatent generalisation and racism there. Look, I listen to rap music more than director of the MOBO awards, and let me tell you the little fuckers riding out of London on their BMX's carrying a Blu-ray player under there arms don't sound anything like rap musicians or American gangsters.
These shits listen to rap music and hear 50 Cent, Eminem etc talking about how they had to deal drugs, kill or steal to make a living and think they are in a similar predicament.
REALITY CHECK FUCKWADS, those people didn't have anything like welfare, child benefits or giros to help them, they had nothing.
Lets send every gangster-wannabe shitwad to Compton and see how long they last with their half-cockney half-2Pac accents.

"People are generalising the working class and calling them all chavs, these poor white people are the last group in Britain where it's socially accepted to insult."
Are you fucking kidding me? Poor WHITE people? Yeah the repressed white folk of England, poor sods they've had a hard life of repression and racism thrown against them.
Sorry did I say against? I meant FROM.
BNP doesn't stand for Black National Party you fuckers, white folk are in poverty because they are lazy worthless pieces of shit who prefer hand-outs to working for a living.

Yeeeee man we iz protesin an shit

"It's all these immigrants taking money from England even though they wasn't born here, them lot taking all the jobs making all the white people unemployed"
Get a fucking grip, immigrants are among the hardest working people IN Britain, you think they left their families to go to predominately racist country so they could live off benefits, or was it possibly to escape death/poverty and the potential for a better life.
I could just imagine Dave A sitting on his partially-obese arse, playing on his Xbox 360 he bought with his jobseekers allowance, (which he's been on for 8 years) pack of Lambert and Butler in one hand, 2-litre bottle of Strongbow in the other, calling his friend Dave B on his Blackberry asking what he's "up ta today", casually insulting an Asian woman he just saw on Ready Steady Cook, wanking off over his Dad's (Cousin's) copy of Brazzers then getting dressed and going out at 10pm to smash up a curry restaurant "cos them people shouldn't be 'ere takin' all ar jobs man".

"These kids have got nothing, they're so bored"
Cry me a river you little cunt. Have nothing? So the council flat/house they live in for free, the food vouchers and living allowances they receive, the job centre advice they get (and ignore) is all nothing?
Maybe you should turn that freshly-stolen Plasma TV on to BBC World News and see what's going on in the world. People fighting to live, people rebuilding their houses after a fucking great earthquake knocked it down, people fighting against government violence toward PEACEFUL PROTESTS - the UK is a safe and pleasant place to live, don't give me any of that bullshit.
If you are in a position to be bored, you find something to do, something that doesn't involve injuring random people and property, it's not fucking hard to NOT hurt someone.
If you have a TV, games console or books at home, (that last item was a joke by the way) that's already worth more than most people in the 3rd world earn in 5 years.
No one "owes" you anything, you want something to cure your boredom? Go out and fucking work for it, or study for qualifications that will get you a job so you can buy it. It's not rocket science for fucks sake.
Dem Jeans gonna look well good when I pick up me giro 2moro

Other fucked up things:

*In the UK we PAY 6th Form college students to stay in school. If they complete a full weeks attendance they get cash. Note it doesn't matter if they sit in the classroom texting/whacking off, and ultimately get an F-minus, at least they've been to college innit.
Fucking ridiculous. Any other country would have people begging for education and a chance to have a better job/life, maybe because they have to pay for it by working hard.
Even with the recent University fees increase, a British degree is ridiculously cheap compared to other countries. I know in Japan it costs £9,000 per semester at minimum and there are no student loan companies. Thanks to all that bullshit, British degrees are now worthless.

*We have a culture of benefit frauds. What other country has masses of lazy shit-sucking twat-wads who'd rather sit on their arses and expect the government to pay them through life?
Seriously name one please. It is fucking insulting that we have to have people going around checking disabled people to see if they can actually walk and aren't just faking it.
You know what happens if you get cancer or your leg blown off in other countries? You pay for the operation or you die. Any help they get is from family members or volunteers. Who would fake injury or illness if that's how you got help? Benefit frauds should be shipped to Somalia, no questions asked.

*We have a drinking culture worse than a thousand Irelands, one that encourages drinking and twattish behaviour from a young age. Where some countries these statements would be heard in an AA meeting, these are acceptable daily cuntisms heard in any part of the UK:
"How many pints you have last night? Six? You fucking puff!"
"Was drinking all last night, was fucking wasted!" "Fucking ace mate"
"You off out for drinks on Friday, Saturday & Sunday night?" "Nah not Sunday" "Fucking puff"
"I had four lagers, moved onto cider then was on Bacardi till the end of the night." "Barcardi? Fucking pufter"

After your lobotomy, you can be just like us kids!

*We have a celebrity culture that breeds a nation of X-Fuckter contestants and brainless Hello magazine reading retards.
When young people are surveyed about what they want to be when they grown up, the answer is usually "famous". Not famous footballer or famous singer, just famous.
When we have reality shows that allow brain-damaged morons to dick about on TV during prime time, you know something is wrong. Geordie Shore being possibly the ultimate example of what is wrong with culture in the UK. Drunken, talentless, fat, shitheaded, worthless pieces of shit allowed to be be on TV. Those people should have full-time carers and padded helmets, not a camera crew. Kids are probably thinking these reality stars don't have any qualifications or brain cells, so why should I?
If that is all the people have to look forward to in life, why not just kill yourself right now and save us all some (air) time.

Rant end / conclusion
So if everyone is mollycoddled, commercialised and boozed-up from a young age, of course these kids are going to grow up wanting expensive electronic gadgets, £200 trainers and fast cars, but at the same time they're not going to want to work for them.
They'll blame the police, government, a random ethnic group that lives 2-doors down or anyone else that isn't themselves.

But it all boils down to this.

The vicious circle:

Step 1: Parents are lazy benefit-sucking shits who don't work for a living because they get more money living off giros.

Step 2: Kids shoot out the vaginas of these people who become like their scum bag parents.

Step 3: Repeat from Step 1 until country internally explodes.

OK I'd done now, I'm just going to re-watch the clip of the injured boy getting mugged while shredding my British passport.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Bin Laden's MTV Cribs Episode Postponed

Recently made dead Al Qaeda head honcho Osama Bin Laden’s Abbottabad crib was to be featured in MTV Cribs special it has been revealed

Terror chief had filmed only half of the 30 minute episode

MTV to sue Obama administration for programme loss

GUTTED MTV Cribs bosses looking to air the Osama Bin Laden Abbottabad episode are desperately attempting to salvage what was supposed to be a well kept exclusive. “We had signed the slippery fucker on a four episode deal”, said a disillusioned high level MTV programming exec yesterday, “Osama said he was to move every three months so we naturally thought we were onto a series winner”

Bin Laden who had numerous bitching abodes around the mountainous borders of Afghanistan and Pakistan region had customized his Abbottabad crib with luxury plasma screen TV’s, JBL stereo equipment and heated toilet seats for the notoriously chilly sub continental winter. “he was a guy who knew how to evade capture in style, a bit like J-Lo or Whitney Houston, he could of course be a bit of a diva now and then, but a full on darling when the camera’s started rolling” said Cribs chief make up artist Steve Sassy

Monsieur Bin Laden died after an 80 minute siege on his Abbottabad Crib by US special forces on May 1st “we had been trying to get Osama for years” said Chad Williams, MTV senior programming acquisitions executive.

The only saving grace for saddened MTV bosses is the footage of Osama’s Andy Warhol-ed themed Panic Room which is claimed to reveal the terror chiefs “softer, artistic side” and although he wasn’t known to be the biggest fan of American culture it is claimed he “possessed several high end western art pieces including a Brian De Palma signed photo of Tony Montana from the movie Scarface”

Asked whether the Abbottabad Cribs ep is to be aired at some point Williams exclaimed “ if the US forces and Obama administration think they can take down the Pakistani governmental walls of national sovereignty they certainly had not cleared it with MTV Cribs” he continued “we are taking this breach of our programming rights seriously, we also had this shit happen when Saddam Hussein had signed on for a Cribs Christmas special in 2006”

Thursday, February 3, 2011

BanterCast Show Notes: Episode 5

Bet you weren't expecting a new episode so soon eh?
Taking advantage of the fact that both BanterCasters are still in Japan, we record another banterous show packed to the brim with banterisms.

Not only do we have the first episode of "Dave and his robot wife" debuting on the show, but we also have an exclusive clip of "Quantum Creep", which BanterCast fans will remember as being No.3 in the "TV shows that almost got made" back in episode 3.
Hopefully "Desperate Houseslaves" and "Guantanamo Baywatch" are not too far behind...

Of course have another banteristic top 10 this episode, plus all your usual favourites like "banterous links", "I can't believe they do that" plus something special for those who stick around after the show has finished...

Also in the episode, we have a new direction for the show - real music! We're starting off with a great track from UK-born band DiabloRose.
If you're a fan of the track, check them out on Facebook, if you're not - it's a podcast so it's quite easy to skip ahead that part of the show innit.

Remember to send us Facebook/Twatter messages so we can take the piss on the next episode, plus it would be really helpful if any of you with an iTunes account to give us a quick rating on there.

On with the banter!

The BanterCast: Episode 5 "Quantum Creep"

Episode 5 - "Quantum Creep" The Tabbzy & Charltzy Show, also known as The BanterCast.

This week the lads leave no ethnic or racial group unscathed in this jam packed episode.

The agenda for this episode:

*BanterCast Ripoffs, Urban Dic words
*The Banter Network (Your FakeBook comments)
*Dave and his Robot Wife - Episode 1
*Banterous Links (Inc.Racist Gas Companies!)
*An exclusive clip from Quantum Creep!
*Top 10 (Boring Sports made more interesting)
*Music from DiabloRose
*I can't believe they do that..in Japan (Pissing games and pissed up monks)
*Google Window!

Plus some outrageous outtakes...

This Episode of The BanterCast was sponsored by Father Jack Michaelson at the Quantum Creep Project

Download Episode 5

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

BanterCast Show Notes: Episode 4


It was a year and a half in the making, but it finally happened - episode 4 of the BanterCast - rejoice!
We'd like to apologise to our fan(s) to whom we promised this episode so long back, but sometimes it's hard co-ordinating banter when the hosts live on opposite sides of the world with different but equally crazy-busy schedules!
But for now, we're going to take advantage of us both being in the same place/bed at the same time and try and keep the Cast on a roll!

We hope you enjoy the show and if you do, be sure to pass it on to your friends (real or Facebook-based) so we can share our banter with as many people as who'd dare download it.
If you don't follow us on Twatter or Fakebook, make sure you do, we appreciate all comments on the BanterCast and they'll most likely be read/mocked on air if you do.

So enough of that, go to the download page here to get it directly, or just do a quick search for "BanterCast" on iTunes and subscribe to us too.

Let the banter commence!

The BanterCast: Episode 4 "Retro Banter"

Episode 4 - "Retro Banter". The Tabbzy & Charltzy Show, also known as the BanterCast.

One and a half years in the making...

The agenda for this episode:
*What we've been up to
*The Banter Network (Previously "Mailbag")
*Banterous Links (Previously "Can't believe what I found..)
*A clip from an inspirational 1940's radio show
*Charltzy's Movie Reviews
*Top 10 (Racist Quotes from Prince Phillip)

Plus many blatent celebrity endorsements and more!

This Episode of The BanterCast was sponsored by the The Sir Tabbzington & Charltzington Show

Download Episode 4

Sunday, October 10, 2010

BNP Launch Bid for SKY TV


Today, cross-eyed British National Party leader Nic Griffin announced his party’s proposal to bid for ownership rights for SKY and SKY News.

"We don’t know why we didn’t think of it years back! SKY TV represents a massive proportion of our demographic that we need to constantly engage with, making it a fantastic acquisition to our BNP portfolio of brands" Griffin continued; "We've also got our eye on Emmerdale and Coronation Street"

Griffin, whose far-right party have vigorously denied being a Neo-Nazi party also said; "We aren’t racist, we just want to uphold good old British values, of not liking foreigners whether it be at home or abroad, our terrible grasp of languages and beer consumption that turns frustrated shaven headed gents into barbarians by night”.

The pint-sized Asian-hater continued, “Anyone who watches SKY , inherently possess these great British values. They also give me airtime, which cant be a bad thing eh?

When quizzed about his interest in British media , he also stated that soap operas such as Emmerdale and Coronation Street were "Good old British soaps which fairly represent the pure Christian white majority of British people, with the odd exception” he said pointing to a picture of Dav Patel.

Mr Griffin failed to comment on Eastenders.