Today we have the first of a new regular feature here on the BanterBlog,
Charltzy's
Rant
Of
The
Cheeky Week, or C.R.O.T.C.H for short.
Today we have American "Football" or "a classic example of the Yanks not getting something the Brits invented then fucking it up like some kind of mentally-reversed sports fanatic".Football, lovely football. You know what I'm talking about don't you? The game where you use your FOOT to kick a BALL around a PITCH.
It was invented back the them olden days, apparently King Arthur or whatever used to dig two holes either end of the courtyard and played a game where you kick an inflated pigs bladder into them there holes. (must be true, saw it in a movie/history books)
Fast forward a couple hundred years, now there are nets and rules and we named it "football", because of the previously mentioned Foot+Ball combination that was involved.
Then in 1869, the Brits had the decency to show some American university lads how to play football proper, they had a whale of a time (even though they were a bit shit), so we showed them this other game we'd invented called "Rugby", that's when it all went downhill.
The first American "Football" team - the "Snatchweiner Retards".
Soon as they left back to the old UK, those American college boys started pissing around during football games, picking up the ball and throwing it around willy-nilly.
Then some professors came in and said; "Well if you're gonna throw it around y'all, why don't you play by them ol' Rugby roolz dagnammit?"
That's when it all just got mental.
They we're throwing the ball forwards, sideways, kicking it, trying to mount it, running headfirst into each other and the goal posts. There were half-conscious bleeding Americans strewn across the pitch. It was a bloodbath.
Before you knew it, they'd wrapped them all up in lots of padding, made rules to stop the game every 15 seconds and padded the goal posts.
They also agreed to make it more like Rugby as they preferred picking up the ball and running with it, (kicking it was a bit too hard for them) only allowing them to touch the ball with their feet when it was in a controlled situation and nobody was in the way.
Now it came time to name this bastardisation of a sport; it looked like Rugby, but they were padded up like mentally disabled people. The rules meant the game was so slow paced there was hardly any running involved and they only touched the ball with their feet maybe once in a whole game - "Hmmmmm what should we call it?" they thought.
"I know" said one idiot - "FOOT-BALL"
"But don't Europeans and most of the people on the entire planet already play a game called Football?" said one guy chewing on his shoulder pad.
"Well I'm fresh out of ideas" said the first arse-tard.
"I got it!" said a huge obese guy writing in his own shit on the floor, "Let's rename THEIR game to something stupid sounding"
Arse-tard quickly thought: "Suck-ball!"
Obese shit-face blurted out: "No, SUCKER sounds better"
From that day onwards, that's how the Yanks stole and fucked up 2 sports to make a stupid retardation of a sport that only they play, yet refuse to call it something different than an already named sport that 95% of the world play and already called - FOOTBALL.
A modern Yankball player
I'm currently writing rules for a new sport that involves bouncing a ball around a wooden court, you win by throwing balls through a basket.
Everyone has to wear padded armour, because all players get to carry Samurai swords.
It's like that sport they play in the US, what's it called - Hoopball?
Now, what to name MY new sport...
