Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week: American "English"

It’s everyone’s favourite/most hated feature, please take another look at my C.R.O.T.C.H!

This week we have American English or “Why people who learnt English as a second language now feel that they’re more knowledgeable about it than the very people who fucking invented it’

We all know that most Americans are loud, annoying and 60% of them are morbidly obese, but did you also know that they can’t spell or talk properly either?

First example, you’re in a Cinema, the trailers come up for some Jerry Twatheimer/Michael Gay Crapduction film, after 30 seconds of CGI, explosions and vaguely middle-eastern people being shot in the face, you get the date: “COMING JULY SEVEN”.

Now every other country in the world writes their dates from smallest part (day) to the biggest (year) or the reverse of that, but what do the Yanks do? Middle, Small, Big – what a load of fucking nonsense.
What, do you say your birthday is on the March of 5?
Maybe they’re just being lazy, which is why they don’t say FIFTH or THIRD, they just say the month and a number, making them sound like illiterate twat-wads, or children.
DECEMBER ONE, APRIL THREE, are you fucking kidding me?
Now, all of this wouldn’t be a problem expect they force everyone to use their stupid retarded system on the interwebs for any kind of online registration.

What do you mean 23/12/1980 isn’t accepted you back-arsed shit-tard?

Christ help you if your birthday is between January and September, you’ll probably end up getting birthday reminders 6 months early/late thanks to this stupid cock-up.

Michael Bay's well directed interesting movie: Coming this holiday-fall-thanksgiving, July 7, 2-thousand-NEVER.

OK, so if there are any Americans still reading, I will say this only once, THIS is the correct way to say it/write it: “The 31st of March, 2010”

Next up, I saw this in a episode of “Lost” (no I don’t hate everything American)

Jack deciding whether he's either stupid or retarded

(In a funeral parlour)
Funeral Guy: “Are you friend or family”
Jack “Either”

Either!?
What the fuck does that mean? So you are both? You want the funeral director to choose or guess?
The word is NEITHER as in NOT EITHER of them.
For example: “Do you want a liposuction on your fat arse or your sagging stomach?”
Answer: “Either would be fine, can I have McShake with that?”

This next one I’ve seen several people on various TV shows and around the net saying this and it really is ridiculously stupid.
On being asked who they want to win the Best Film Oscar, Avatar or The Hurt Locker:
“I could care less about it”

What the shits name kind of answer is that?
This one I’m not sure if it’s an American expression or just several million of them making the same mistake.
Let me say this clearly so you don’t get confused, it’s “I COULDN’T care less”
As in I couldn’t give a fuck, couldn’t give a shit etc.
If you COULD care less, that means you care a bit and you ARE bothered about the thing in question. Jesus Christ.

Next up: Swearing.

As we all know, British people are the best at swearing in the world, closely followed by the Australians, who have probably made it into a sport and are currently in training for it for the next Olympics.

Americans on the other hand, not so much.

First of all they changed all our swear words/expressions to make them LESS offensive to their delicate Christian God-fearing ears.
For example “Wanker” was changed to “Jerk Off”, jerk is pretty tame if you think about it.

But my all time favourite is how that “Twat” is pronounced “Twot” by Americans, hahaha TWOT!!

Go on, give it a try, write down twat on a piece of paper and ask them to say it if you don’t believe me, it’s hilarious!
But at the same time, annoying that they think we’re saying it wrong.
We invented swearing, get it right burger boys.

Ha, and if you want to make any American faint (apart from Larry David, genius) just say CUNT at the top of your voice.
I’m telling you, walk into the roughest bar in the toughest city in the States, walk up to the biggest guy in the room, say CUNT to his face and he’ll pass out while making the sign of the cross on his forehead.

Fact.

American man passes out after 82-year old British woman says the C-word in his face

Nick Griffin Firebombs Own House After DNA Mixup

In an unfortunate accident earlier this week, Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP has his home ruthlessly firebombed, by his own doing, after being told that his Great-Great Grandfather was Indian.

Nick Griffin, bong-eyed, overweight, child-fiddling racist leader of the BNP.

The infamously racial politician appeared on the revered BBC documentary "Who Do You Think You Are?" where celebrities donate a sample of their DNA to discover their ancestor's roots.
Unfortunately Mr Griffin's DNA results got mixed up with Channel 4 news presenter Krishnan Guru Murthy's, resulting in his genetic makeup being described as "90% Indian, 10% Bangladeshi".

Next-door neighbour and eye-witness to the fire-bombing, Jeff Snitchtits, recounts the scene shortly after the DNA results came in;

"I saw Nick come running down the street shouting things like 'bugger off back to where ya came from' and 'I'll teach you for marrying a bloody ethnic', the weird thing was he seemed to be shouting them at his own house and wife"

Police psychologists have since fathomed that the views of his political party and his believed ancestral roots, caused a huge conflict of interests in his mind, leading to massive brain haemorrhage, which sparked the outrageous self-harming behaviour.

Krishnan Guru Murthy, not currently the leader of the BNP.

Mr Griffin has since been told his actual DNA breakdown, which came in as "1% White-European, 99% twat".

Scientology Cult Buys Out Catholic Church

In shocking news out of The Vatican today, The Pope announced that the Catholic Church is to merge with the Church of Scientology.

This comes after the news that the Cult of Scientology had become the richest "religion" in the world, mainly thanks to it's A-list celebrity endorsements and extortion schemes.

The merge will cause some changes within the religions, The Pope will now be renamed "Lord Xenu" Alien Overlord and saviour of the humans from the evil Thetan spirits.

Other changes include:

* A limit on child molestation. (1 per priest)

* $30 charge upon entering any (previously) Catholic Church.

* Four-hour personality tests for anyone wanting to enter the new religion.

* No scientists or psychologists allowed.

* Must turn in the deeds to your house/kids if you want to join BLSHT Level 3 or above. (previously level 4)

Chairman and Co-Alien Overlord, David Miscavige, said he was very happy with the merger and smooth takeover of the Catholic Church in a press statement earlier today:

"We'd had our eye on the Catholics for a while now as they had a huge wealth and global image that we really wanted to make the best of, plus it cost us pennies!"

When asked about the controversies surrounding both parts of this now dual "Super-Religion" he pleaded for a fresh start in the eyes of all the previous and new followers.

"Let's forget about everything that happened in the past, literally - we've written the entire history of the planet in simple clear terms for everyone to understand; from the day the planet was created by the Gassok 7 Space-cruiser, to the day Scientology killed Hitler and prevented 9/11 simultaneously"

For people previously on the fence between the two, they no longer have to decide which is better, abusing children or believing we've all been possessed by intergalactic aliens.

Both Tabbzy and Charltzy have become SciekoCaths and encourage everyone to join, providing you can afford the £33,000 registration fee.