Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week: The Riots

An emergency C.R.O.T.C.H today, getting rightly pissed off with all the commentary and bullshit surrounding the riots, here we go:

The riots in the UK or "Why a bunch of commercialised fuckwads on summer holidays decided to show the world how fucking vile British people can be"

Lots of people blaming all sorts for the riots, they're all wrong of course, here's why.

"It's David Cameron's fault cos he's dead posh and shit"

OK I agree Cameron is a worthless piece of shit, born with a sliver spoon up his arse and hates anyone who didn't go to Eton, but he didn't start the British culture of masturbating over celebrity culture, commercialism, racism, laziness and the feeling the Government owes them a living.

Fuck U Cam'run we stealin dem Mars Bars

"It's just London cos it's full of blacks innit"

The peaceful demonstration that took place before the riots was almost exclusively attended by black people. The looting and rioting started then suddenly the crowds started looking whiter and whiter. How the fuck is thieving a 42 inch TV in a transit van anything to do with protesting police brutality against a black man?

"It's rap music that warps them kids, even the white kids are starting to talk like blacks now"

Nice bit of blatent generalisation and racism there. Look, I listen to rap music more than director of the MOBO awards, and let me tell you the little fuckers riding out of London on their BMX's carrying a Blu-ray player under there arms don't sound anything like rap musicians or American gangsters.

These shits listen to rap music and hear 50 Cent, Eminem etc talking about how they had to deal drugs, kill or steal to make a living and think they are in a similar predicament.

REALITY CHECK FUCKWADS, those people didn't have anything like welfare, child benefits or giros to help them, they had nothing.

Lets send every gangster-wannabe shitwad to Compton and see how long they last with their half-cockney half-2Pac accents.

"People are generalising the working class and calling them all chavs, these poor white people are the last group in Britain where it's socially accepted to insult."

Are you fucking kidding me? Poor WHITE people? Yeah the repressed white folk of England, poor sods they've had a hard life of repression and racism thrown against them.

Sorry did I say against? I meant FROM.

BNP doesn't stand for Black National Party you fuckers, white folk are in poverty because they are lazy worthless pieces of shit who prefer hand-outs to working for a living.

Yeeeee man we iz protesin an shit

"It's all these immigrants taking money from England even though they wasn't born here, them lot taking all the jobs making all the white people unemployed"

Get a fucking grip, immigrants are among the hardest working people IN Britain, you think they left their families to go to predominately racist country so they could live off benefits, or was it possibly to escape death/poverty and the potential for a better life.

I could just imagine Dave A sitting on his partially-obese arse, playing on his Xbox 360 he bought with his jobseekers allowance, (which he's been on for 8 years) pack of Lambert and Butler in one hand, 2-litre bottle of Strongbow in the other, calling his friend Dave B on his Blackberry asking what he's "up ta today", casually insulting an Asian woman he just saw on Ready Steady Cook, wanking off over his Dad's (Cousin's) copy of Brazzers then getting dressed and going out at 10pm to smash up a curry restaurant "cos them people shouldn't be 'ere takin' all ar jobs man".

"These kids have got nothing, they're so bored"

Cry me a river you little cunt. Have nothing? So the council flat/house they live in for free, the food vouchers and living allowances they receive, the job centre advice they get (and ignore) is all nothing?

Maybe you should turn that freshly-stolen Plasma TV on to BBC World News and see what's going on in the world. People fighting to live, people rebuilding their houses after a fucking great earthquake knocked it down, people fighting against government violence toward PEACEFUL PROTESTS - the UK is a safe and pleasant place to live, don't give me any of that bullshit.

If you are in a position to be bored, you find something to do, something that doesn't involve injuring random people and property, it's not fucking hard to NOT hurt someone.

If you have a TV, games console or books at home, (that last item was a joke by the way) that's already worth more than most people in the 3rd world earn in 5 years.

No one "owes" you anything, you want something to cure your boredom? Go out and fucking work for it, or study for qualifications that will get you a job so you can buy it. It's not rocket science for fucks sake.

Dem Jeans gonna look well good when I pick up me giro 2moro

Other fucked up things:

*In the UK we PAY 6th Form college students to stay in school. If they complete a full weeks attendance they get cash. Note it doesn't matter if they sit in the classroom texting/whacking off, and ultimately get an F-minus, at least they've been to college innit.

Fucking ridiculous. Any other country would have people begging for education and a chance to have a better job/life, maybe because they have to pay for it by working hard.

Even with the recent University fees increase, a British degree is ridiculously cheap compared to other countries. I know in Japan it costs £9,000 per semester at minimum and there are no student loan companies. Thanks to all that bullshit, British degrees are now worthless.

*We have a culture of benefit frauds. What other country has masses of lazy shit-sucking twat-wads who'd rather sit on their arses and expect the government to pay them through life?

Seriously name one please. It is fucking insulting that we have to have people going around checking disabled people to see if they can actually walk and aren't just faking it.

You know what happens if you get cancer or your leg blown off in other countries? You pay for the operation or you die. Any help they get is from family members or volunteers. Who would fake injury or illness if that's how you got help? Benefit frauds should be shipped to Somalia, no questions asked.

*We have a drinking culture worse than a thousand Irelands, one that encourages drinking and twattish behaviour from a young age. Where some countries these statements would be heard in an AA meeting, these are acceptable daily cuntisms heard in any part of the UK:

"How many pints you have last night? Six? You fucking puff!"

"Was drinking all last night, was fucking wasted!" "Fucking ace mate"

"You off out for drinks on Friday, Saturday & Sunday night?" "Nah not Sunday" "Fucking puff"

"I had four lagers, moved onto cider then was on Bacardi till the end of the night." "Barcardi? Fucking pufter"

After your lobotomy, you can be just like us kids!

*We have a celebrity culture that breeds a nation of X-Fuckter contestants and brainless Hello magazine reading retards.

When young people are surveyed about what they want to be when they grown up, the answer is usually "famous". Not famous footballer or famous singer, just famous.

When we have reality shows that allow brain-damaged morons to dick about on TV during prime time, you know something is wrong. Geordie Shore being possibly the ultimate example of what is wrong with culture in the UK. Drunken, talentless, fat, shitheaded, worthless pieces of shit allowed to be be on TV. Those people should have full-time carers and padded helmets, not a camera crew. Kids are probably thinking these reality stars don't have any qualifications or brain cells, so why should I?

If that is all the people have to look forward to in life, why not just kill yourself right now and save us all some (air) time.

Rant end / conclusion

So if everyone is mollycoddled, commercialised and boozed-up from a young age, of course these kids are going to grow up wanting expensive electronic gadgets, £200 trainers and fast cars, but at the same time they're not going to want to work for them.

They'll blame the police, government, a random ethnic group that lives 2-doors down or anyone else that isn't themselves.

But it all boils down to this.

The vicious circle:

Step 1: Parents are lazy benefit-sucking shits who don't work for a living because they get more money living off giros.

Step 2: Kids shoot out the vaginas of these people who become like their scum bag parents.

Step 3: Repeat from Step 1 until country internally explodes.

OK I'd done now, I'm just going to re-watch the clip of the injured boy getting mugged while shredding my British passport.

Catch-a-looter

Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week: American "English"

It’s everyone’s favourite/most hated feature, please take another look at my C.R.O.T.C.H!

This week we have American English or “Why people who learnt English as a second language now feel that they’re more knowledgeable about it than the very people who fucking invented it’

We all know that most Americans are loud, annoying and 60% of them are morbidly obese, but did you also know that they can’t spell or talk properly either?

First example, you’re in a Cinema, the trailers come up for some Jerry Twatheimer/Michael Gay Crapduction film, after 30 seconds of CGI, explosions and vaguely middle-eastern people being shot in the face, you get the date: “COMING JULY SEVEN”.

Now every other country in the world writes their dates from smallest part (day) to the biggest (year) or the reverse of that, but what do the Yanks do? Middle, Small, Big – what a load of fucking nonsense.
What, do you say your birthday is on the March of 5?
Maybe they’re just being lazy, which is why they don’t say FIFTH or THIRD, they just say the month and a number, making them sound like illiterate twat-wads, or children.
DECEMBER ONE, APRIL THREE, are you fucking kidding me?
Now, all of this wouldn’t be a problem expect they force everyone to use their stupid retarded system on the interwebs for any kind of online registration.

What do you mean 23/12/1980 isn’t accepted you back-arsed shit-tard?

Christ help you if your birthday is between January and September, you’ll probably end up getting birthday reminders 6 months early/late thanks to this stupid cock-up.

Michael Bay's well directed interesting movie: Coming this holiday-fall-thanksgiving, July 7, 2-thousand-NEVER.

OK, so if there are any Americans still reading, I will say this only once, THIS is the correct way to say it/write it: “The 31st of March, 2010”

Next up, I saw this in a episode of “Lost” (no I don’t hate everything American)

Jack deciding whether he's either stupid or retarded

(In a funeral parlour)
Funeral Guy: “Are you friend or family”
Jack “Either”

Either!?
What the fuck does that mean? So you are both? You want the funeral director to choose or guess?
The word is NEITHER as in NOT EITHER of them.
For example: “Do you want a liposuction on your fat arse or your sagging stomach?”
Answer: “Either would be fine, can I have McShake with that?”

This next one I’ve seen several people on various TV shows and around the net saying this and it really is ridiculously stupid.
On being asked who they want to win the Best Film Oscar, Avatar or The Hurt Locker:
“I could care less about it”

What the shits name kind of answer is that?
This one I’m not sure if it’s an American expression or just several million of them making the same mistake.
Let me say this clearly so you don’t get confused, it’s “I COULDN’T care less”
As in I couldn’t give a fuck, couldn’t give a shit etc.
If you COULD care less, that means you care a bit and you ARE bothered about the thing in question. Jesus Christ.

Next up: Swearing.

As we all know, British people are the best at swearing in the world, closely followed by the Australians, who have probably made it into a sport and are currently in training for it for the next Olympics.

Americans on the other hand, not so much.

First of all they changed all our swear words/expressions to make them LESS offensive to their delicate Christian God-fearing ears.
For example “Wanker” was changed to “Jerk Off”, jerk is pretty tame if you think about it.

But my all time favourite is how that “Twat” is pronounced “Twot” by Americans, hahaha TWOT!!

Go on, give it a try, write down twat on a piece of paper and ask them to say it if you don’t believe me, it’s hilarious!
But at the same time, annoying that they think we’re saying it wrong.
We invented swearing, get it right burger boys.

Ha, and if you want to make any American faint (apart from Larry David, genius) just say CUNT at the top of your voice.
I’m telling you, walk into the roughest bar in the toughest city in the States, walk up to the biggest guy in the room, say CUNT to his face and he’ll pass out while making the sign of the cross on his forehead.

Fact.

American man passes out after 82-year old British woman says the C-word in his face

Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week: Social Networking

Get strapped in for everyone’s favourite feature here on the BanterBlog, another look at my C.R.O.T.C.H.

Today we have Social Networking or "I will disguise my pathetic excuse for a life by constantly telling everyone how interesting I am, but actually sounding like a complete twat in the process”



Digs at Social Networking are nothing new on the BanterBlog, heck we created Twatter before it actually turned into the real thing, and let’s not forget poor old Barry Twinklemire.

I guess it all started with Friend Reunited, or as we call it “Retards United” which was a well-meaning website that, officially, was trying to bring people together that might have lost contact, but in reality was a reason to boast about how you went to University compared to all the others in your class who are now smackhead McDonald managers.

At least that had a purpose, compared to what came next – Facebook. Now this is not even pretending to have some well meaning agenda, this is basically a list of everyone you’ve ever known/met/passed in the street.

This is how the FriendFace virus spreads: You say “Hi” in a pub to someone, they’re on your Shitface friends list.
They upload some pictures of you with your knob out, and they tag it with your name, before you know it 20 people have commented on the cock in question, so you add them as “friends” too.

The sickening thing is that now you feel happy that you’ve upped your friend count by 56 people from one night of naked wang-swinging.
Now of the 89,956 friends you have on your list, the 2 people you actually know will see not only your dick, but that you have a football stadium amount of friends.

Well, a round of fucking applause, you stupid twat.

Remember that dickhead you used to work with who boasted about how much they went out, a thinly disguised way of telling you how popular they are?

Arsebook has made it possible for EVERYONE to be that twat, not only that, but you don’t have to be at work, or even in the presence of an actual human fucking being to boast about it.

Don’t even get me started on Twitter, which is basically a simplified version of TitHeadBook for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Time to write something truthful on your next status update:
“I’m sat here all alone, I have no actual close friends, so I decided to lie and exaggerate about what I’m actually doing to make it look like I’m really busy and popular”

See also:
FaceBook Friend Saves Man From Suicide, Two Weeks Too Late
BanterCast Teams Up With Online Service "Twatter"

Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week: American "Football"

Today we have the first of a new regular feature here on the BanterBlog, Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week, or C.R.O.T.C.H for short.

Today we have American "Football" or "a classic example of the Yanks not getting something the Brits invented then fucking it up like some kind of mentally-reversed sports fanatic".

Football, lovely football. You know what I'm talking about don't you? The game where you use your FOOT to kick a BALL around a PITCH.
It was invented back the them olden days, apparently King Arthur or whatever used to dig two holes either end of the courtyard and played a game where you kick an inflated pigs bladder into them there holes. (must be true, saw it in a movie/history books)

Fast forward a couple hundred years, now there are nets and rules and we named it "football", because of the previously mentioned Foot+Ball combination that was involved.

Then in 1869, the Brits had the decency to show some American university lads how to play football proper, they had a whale of a time (even though they were a bit shit), so we showed them this other game we'd invented called "Rugby", that's when it all went downhill.

The first American "Football" team - the "Snatchweiner Retards".

Soon as they left back to the old UK, those American college boys started pissing around during football games, picking up the ball and throwing it around willy-nilly.
Then some professors came in and said; "Well if you're gonna throw it around y'all, why don't you play by them ol' Rugby roolz dagnammit?"

That's when it all just got mental.

They we're throwing the ball forwards, sideways, kicking it, trying to mount it, running headfirst into each other and the goal posts. There were half-conscious bleeding Americans strewn across the pitch. It was a bloodbath.

Before you knew it, they'd wrapped them all up in lots of padding, made rules to stop the game every 15 seconds and padded the goal posts.
They also agreed to make it more like Rugby as they preferred picking up the ball and running with it, (kicking it was a bit too hard for them) only allowing them to touch the ball with their feet when it was in a controlled situation and nobody was in the way.

Now it came time to name this bastardisation of a sport; it looked like Rugby, but they were padded up like mentally disabled people. The rules meant the game was so slow paced there was hardly any running involved and they only touched the ball with their feet maybe once in a whole game - "Hmmmmm what should we call it?" they thought.

"I know" said one idiot - "FOOT-BALL"

"But don't Europeans and most of the people on the entire planet already play a game called Football?" said one guy chewing on his shoulder pad.

"Well I'm fresh out of ideas" said the first arse-tard.

"I got it!" said a huge obese guy writing in his own shit on the floor, "Let's rename THEIR game to something stupid sounding"

Arse-tard quickly thought: "Suck-ball!"

Obese shit-face blurted out: "No, SUCKER sounds better"

From that day onwards, that's how the Yanks stole and fucked up 2 sports to make a stupid retardation of a sport that only they play, yet refuse to call it something different than an already named sport that 95% of the world play and already called - FOOTBALL.

A modern Yankball player

I'm currently writing rules for a new sport that involves bouncing a ball around a wooden court, you win by throwing balls through a basket.

Everyone has to wear padded armour, because all players get to carry Samurai swords.

It's like that sport they play in the US, what's it called - Hoopball?

Now, what to name MY new sport...

Barack Obama Frees The Bantercasters!

As many of you now well know, myself (Charltzy) and my co-bantercaster-in-crime Tabbzy, have been freed from Gitzy Bay.

This is mainly due to now-President Barack Obama, (friend of the show and occasional contributor) closing down the infamous prison and allowing us to be tried in a court in our own country.

This naturally caused an international stir and we were singled out as 2 examples of why they shouldn't have closed the prison, unfair some may cry, probably justified others have said.

But our good friend Barack, known as B.Ozy to his friends, didn't back down and in fact defended us, and our actions in a recent 22-page interview with TIME magazine.


Now many of you are wondering, what exactly we could have done to be locked up without charge, thrown in the depths of a prison worse than a Benidorm hotel and the public being told we don't exist anymore.

Well, lets just say it involved some "religious types" throwing their weight around, an amusing T-shirt, beards catching on fire, the daughter of an Arab Prince, 6 bottles on cheap vodka and misunderstandings of the English language.

We'll let you fill in the details with your imagination. Your guesses are probably accurate.

Maybe now we can finally record episode 3 of the BanterCast!

Tabbzy & Charltzy Detained in Guantanamo Bay, BanterCast Postponed

Many people have wondered about the fate of the BanterCast, which since episode 2 has not seen any new instalments.

Everything was looking rosy for The Tabbzy and Charltzy Show, a new deal signed with Apple to have the show available on the iTunes store, Tabbzy involved in a major Bollywood production and Charltzy's court case finally being resolved.

Unfortunately the banterous duo have been accused of several major international crimes and are currently being held in Guantanamo Bay prison in Cuba.

President-elect Barack Obama, a friend and fan of the show, is currently considering shutting down Guantanamo (known as "Gitzy Bay" by the locals) in order to free the 2 Bantercasters.

Until Obama is sworn in on the 20th of January, the anticipated third episode of the BanterCast will never go ahead.

Readers are encouraged to leave messages of support for Tabbzy and Charltzy in the comments section below.

Stay tuned to the BanterBlog for any updates.

Updated by a defence representative of her Majesty's Government.

Charltzy Scandal Update: Charltzy sleeps nude in Oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual Powers

A woman reacts to the news that Charltzy is once again sleeping nude. Stock photo Courtesy of Tabbzy Images Inc.

Thats right, sexual predator J.R.R Charltzy , (Known Aliases' : The Fiddler , Gary"Charltzy"Glitter, Hernandez Pedo, The Snake Charmer, One eyed Jackass, Tom,Dicks and Harry) has been spotted sleeping nude in a futuristic oxygen tent not unlike one that Micheal Jackson used to bathe'...

Charltzy was not availible for comment but his press assistant did remark to reporters camped outside his Tokyo apartment that accusations are only "a half truth"..

Stay tuned for the latest scandal updates....

Tabbzy