Bin Laden's MTV Cribs Episode Postponed

Recently made dead Al Qaeda head honcho Osama Bin Laden’s Abbottabad crib was to be featured in MTV Cribs special it has been revealed

Terror chief had filmed only half of the 30 minute episode

MTV to sue Obama administration for programme loss

GUTTED MTV Cribs bosses looking to air the Osama Bin Laden Abbottabad episode are desperately attempting to salvage what was supposed to be a well kept exclusive. “We had signed the slippery fucker on a four episode deal”, said a disillusioned high level MTV programming exec yesterday, “Osama said he was to move every three months so we naturally thought we were onto a series winner”

Bin Laden who had numerous bitching abodes around the mountainous borders of Afghanistan and Pakistan region had customized his Abbottabad crib with luxury plasma screen TV’s, JBL stereo equipment and heated toilet seats for the notoriously chilly sub continental winter. “he was a guy who knew how to evade capture in style, a bit like J-Lo or Whitney Houston, he could of course be a bit of a diva now and then, but a full on darling when the camera’s started rolling” said Cribs chief make up artist Steve Sassy

Monsieur Bin Laden died after an 80 minute siege on his Abbottabad Crib by US special forces on May 1st “we had been trying to get Osama for years” said Chad Williams, MTV senior programming acquisitions executive.

The only saving grace for saddened MTV bosses is the footage of Osama’s Andy Warhol-ed themed Panic Room which is claimed to reveal the terror chiefs “softer, artistic side” and although he wasn’t known to be the biggest fan of American culture it is claimed he “possessed several high end western art pieces including a Brian De Palma signed photo of Tony Montana from the movie Scarface”

Asked whether the Abbottabad Cribs ep is to be aired at some point Williams exclaimed “ if the US forces and Obama administration think they can take down the Pakistani governmental walls of national sovereignty they certainly had not cleared it with MTV Cribs” he continued “we are taking this breach of our programming rights seriously, we also had this shit happen when Saddam Hussein had signed on for a Cribs Christmas special in 2006”

BNP Launch Bid for SKY TV

Today, cross-eyed British National Party leader Nic Griffin announced his party’s proposal to bid for ownership rights for SKY and SKY News.

"We don’t know why we didn’t think of it years back! SKY TV represents a massive proportion of our demographic that we need to constantly engage with, making it a fantastic acquisition to our BNP portfolio of brands" Griffin continued; "We've also got our eye on Emmerdale and Coronation Street"

Griffin, whose far-right party have vigorously denied being a Neo-Nazi party also said; "We aren’t racist, we just want to uphold good old British values, of not liking foreigners whether it be at home or abroad, our terrible grasp of languages and beer consumption that turns frustrated shaven headed gents into barbarians by night”.

The pint-sized Asian-hater continued, “Anyone who watches SKY , inherently possess these great British values. They also give me airtime, which cant be a bad thing eh?”

When quizzed about his interest in British media , he also stated that soap operas such as Emmerdale and Coronation Street were "Good old British soaps which fairly represent the pure Christian white majority of British people, with the odd exception” he said pointing to a picture of Dav Patel.

Mr Griffin failed to comment on Eastenders.

New Conservative Government to Make Monocle-Wearing Mandatory

The new Conservative Government announced today via press conference that all upper-class pursuits will be made mandatory for all UK citizens.

Starting from the 1st of September, the new rules introduced by the The Organisation of Fine arts Facilities will become British law and be punishable by death if not followed.

Some of the more controversial laws include:

*All men over the age of 19 to wear monocles in one eye, both eyes if over 45.

*Fox Hunting mandatory on Sundays, in areas where they aren't available cats and dogs maybe used. (Corgi's excepted)

*All drinks to be served from Champagne flutes, pint glasses now abolished.

*All music banned, with the exception of Kenny G.

*Racism will now be reduced to a level of "a bit risqué", but "amusing if well timed a a cocktail party".

If you've heard of any other laws being secretly introduced, feel free to list them in the comments section below.

McDonald's Korea Launches McWoof Burger

McDonald's of Korea announced today that they will be launching a country-specific menu, starting with the McWoof burger.



The McWoof is available in a selection of flavours including Chilli-Chiwawa, Barbeque-Beagle and the Teriyaki-Terrier.

If successful, the menu will be expanded to China, Japan and parts of Northern England.

Nick Griffin Firebombs Own House After DNA Mixup

In an unfortunate accident earlier this week, Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP has his home ruthlessly firebombed, by his own doing, after being told that his Great-Great Grandfather was Indian.

Nick Griffin, bong-eyed, overweight, child-fiddling racist leader of the BNP.

The infamously racial politician appeared on the revered BBC documentary "Who Do You Think You Are?" where celebrities donate a sample of their DNA to discover their ancestor's roots.
Unfortunately Mr Griffin's DNA results got mixed up with Channel 4 news presenter Krishnan Guru Murthy's, resulting in his genetic makeup being described as "90% Indian, 10% Bangladeshi".

Next-door neighbour and eye-witness to the fire-bombing, Jeff Snitchtits, recounts the scene shortly after the DNA results came in;

"I saw Nick come running down the street shouting things like 'bugger off back to where ya came from' and 'I'll teach you for marrying a bloody ethnic', the weird thing was he seemed to be shouting them at his own house and wife"

Police psychologists have since fathomed that the views of his political party and his believed ancestral roots, caused a huge conflict of interests in his mind, leading to massive brain haemorrhage, which sparked the outrageous self-harming behaviour.

Krishnan Guru Murthy, not currently the leader of the BNP.

Mr Griffin has since been told his actual DNA breakdown, which came in as "1% White-European, 99% twat".

Scientology Cult Buys Out Catholic Church

In shocking news out of The Vatican today, The Pope announced that the Catholic Church is to merge with the Church of Scientology.

This comes after the news that the Cult of Scientology had become the richest "religion" in the world, mainly thanks to it's A-list celebrity endorsements and extortion schemes.

The merge will cause some changes within the religions, The Pope will now be renamed "Lord Xenu" Alien Overlord and saviour of the humans from the evil Thetan spirits.

Other changes include:

* A limit on child molestation. (1 per priest)

* $30 charge upon entering any (previously) Catholic Church.

* Four-hour personality tests for anyone wanting to enter the new religion.

* No scientists or psychologists allowed.

* Must turn in the deeds to your house/kids if you want to join BLSHT Level 3 or above. (previously level 4)

Chairman and Co-Alien Overlord, David Miscavige, said he was very happy with the merger and smooth takeover of the Catholic Church in a press statement earlier today:

"We'd had our eye on the Catholics for a while now as they had a huge wealth and global image that we really wanted to make the best of, plus it cost us pennies!"

When asked about the controversies surrounding both parts of this now dual "Super-Religion" he pleaded for a fresh start in the eyes of all the previous and new followers.

"Let's forget about everything that happened in the past, literally - we've written the entire history of the planet in simple clear terms for everyone to understand; from the day the planet was created by the Gassok 7 Space-cruiser, to the day Scientology killed Hitler and prevented 9/11 simultaneously"

For people previously on the fence between the two, they no longer have to decide which is better, abusing children or believing we've all been possessed by intergalactic aliens.

Both Tabbzy and Charltzy have become SciekoCaths and encourage everyone to join, providing you can afford the £33,000 registration fee.

Banterography Competition Update/Reminder!

Greetings, banter fans!

Just a quick reminder that the Banterography competition is up and running and we are accepting submissions RIGHT NOW.
That's a hint people, take some twatting pictures already, look it's simple:

I (Charltzy) took those 2 with the camera stuck up my arse, so I know you lot can do better.

I got one idea for anyone in the UK, what I'd love to see is the poster stuck on the back of an electric wheelchair, you get extra points if it's outside a jobcentre while the owner is freely walking around inside cashing a Giro.

Good luck Banterographers!

Get the image download here

BanterCast Launches Photography Competition!

A banterous banterography competition for all lovers of banter and the BanterCast! Win amazing prizes!

We're asking all fans of the show to take pictures of the BanterCast logo in a banterous place.

Some suggestions:

-Sellotaped to the back of a policeman's head.
-Attached to a Bernard Manning DVD.
-Stuck on your face while driving a car through an exploding building.
-All of the above simultaneously.

What you will need:

*A print out of the image below
*A camera
*Eyes
*A banterous disposition

(click on the image to get the full sized version, innit)

When you think you've got a winning pic, send it to Tabbzy & Charltzy by any of the following unimaginative ways:

Facebook facebook.com/bantercast
Twatter twatter.com/bantercast
E-mail thebantercast@gmail.com

What are the prizes I hear you scream?

RUNNERS UP: Signed BanterCast images with personalised message!

FIRST PRIZE: An interview with Tabbzy and Charltzy, that will be feature in a future episode of the show!!

Judd Apatwat DVD Collection Released

Just a quick reminder that Judd Apatwat's entire movie collection is available for purchase at all online retailers from the 25th of October.

The 2-disk set includes:

"Ugly Shit-Head 'n' Hot Chick"

Co-starring Megan Fox, rated 15.

"Lazy Stoner Dickwad Brigade"

Starring Adam Sandler, rated 18

"The 30-Year-Old Twat"

Featuring Rob Schneider, rated T for Twat.

"Ginger, Fat, Curly-Haired, Unfunny Wankers 2"

Starring all those twats from American Pie, unrated.

The movies can also be downloaded from the iTunes store or directly from Universal's website:

www.universal-online.com/comedy/lowquality/twats/judd.html

David Blaine Disappears Up Own Anus

In a bizarre and unfortunate incident earlier this week, famed street "magician" David Blaine disappeared from his New York apartment, much to the distress of his family and friend. (pet ferret called Tito)

NYPD police chief Jack Bastorde, was initially concerned it was a terrorist kidnapping plot:

"My first thought was that it must be one of them Bin Laden-type folks from Kaplakistan, till we realised who it was that had gone missing and started looking closer to home"

Chief Bastorde's blatant racism and quick thinking led him to realise that Mr Blaine was most probably still in his apartment somewhere inside his own anal passage.

"We found the sucker curled up on his sofa, his head was clean up his ass" the Bastorde continued, "We think he'd been watching his own DVD's, probably what caused it to happen"

This is not the first time a celebrity has disappeared up their own arse hole, earlier in the year TV presenter Jeremy Kyle had to have his head surgically removed from between his arse cheeks.

New TV Show Will Execute Member of Public Live on Air

The American television channel HBO announced their new lineup of summer shows today, among them was a controversial new reality show called "Roommates".



In a similar vein to shows like Big Brother and Survivor, members of the public will be chosen to live in a lavish New York apartment and filmed for 24 hours a day, for a duration of 22 and a half months.
The catch however, is that when a "Roomie" is evicted they are shot in the face - live on TV.

An extract of the press release from HBO about the show:

The first season of Roommates will feature six wild and crazy guys and gals who represent a wide cross-section of people in the United States;
Joel Jefferson the jock, Sadie Humperdink the bisexual taxidermist, Frank Goldberg the Jewish Nazi, Dirk Tessler the ex-Navy Seals Commando turned make-up artist, Georgia Washington the stripper with a secret (cock) and Sabrina Shitzler the part-time sexy garbage disposal worker and full-time member of the KKK.

Every day will feature a new and painful challenge for the "Roomiez" to try which folks will love watching at home!
Some activities include;
*BATH BOMB! - Roomiez will try and lie in a bath of acid for as long as possible, first one to jump out gets shot in the face!
*CEREAL KILLER! - Roomiez will try and eat as much cereal as possible, the catch? It's made of glass and the milk is actually acid!
*HEAD IN THE OVEN! - Same rules as BATH BOMB but this time featuring a gas oven!
......and many including: CELINE DION CONCERTS and watching SEASON 21 of THE SIMPSONS!

Despite several years of attempts to broadcast live executions before by HBO, this show is actually the first of it's kind in the United States.
Before now, only hangings in foreign countries (Saddam Hussein) and popular murder trials (OJ Simpson) were allowed to be shown in detail, but a new law passed in the State of Texas will let any member of the public be shot in the face if they sign a waiver beforehand.

Roommates will start airing on the special "Roommates channel" from July 26th, the first execution will happen on eviction night, 2 weeks later.

BanterCast Teams Up With Online Service "Twatter"

The BanterCast is proud to announce it's collaboration with the exciting new online social phenomenon - Twatter!


Twatter allows users to send daily "Twats" to their friends, colleagues and enemies, describing exactly what twattish thing they are doing at the moment.

When the user logs in they are greeted by the simple question:
"What Twatty thing are you doing right now?"
The user can then respond in less than 140 characters.

Several celebrities have signed up to the service including Jonathon Ross, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jimmy Carr who keep fans updated with their twat-headed daily routines.

Twatter was started in 2006 by Jack Dorsey (Dozzy to his friends), who noticed that the most popular thing about social networking sites like FaceBook and MySpace was simply the status updates.

"I realised that people generally just want to tell others how much of a twat they are" said Dozzy, when asked how he had the idea for Twatter.

"Stupid shit people feel they need to share with everyone else was a gold mine just begging to be exploited!"

Tabbzy and Charltzy approve this message.

Join The BanterCast on Twatter by clicking here. (or in the side bar)

Jade Goody Enters The "Top 10 Dead Racists" Hall of Fame

As broken in episode 3 of the BanterCast, the TV starlet Jade Goody passed away sometime last week or month.

No sooner had she been buried, and she was already on the nominees list for "Top 10 Dead British Racists", one of the highest accolades available in the United Kingdom.

The panel at the British Society for Racist Excellence (BSRE) recognised her work in the Big Brother Celebrity game show where she repeatedly threw racist insults at an Indian cohabitant, Shilpa Shetty.

The fact that she somehow managed to come out the situation unscathed, even convincing her victim to be her friend, may have helped her chances in entering the BSRE hall of fame.

In an interview with the Daily Star she famously said "I'm not a racist, honest to God I'm not", this was evidence enough for most people in the UK who immediately forgot she was a 5-star racialist.

Famously her victim, Ms Shetty, flew to England to visit Goody on her death bed, but in a final outburst of racist energy, she denied her access to the hospital room saying "I aint catching no Asian lurgy innit", with which her publicist Max Clifford quickly translated to; "Ms Goody is too unwell for any visits at this time".



"By the time of her death everyone had forgotten about her racism and felt sorry for her" Bernard Manning Jr of the BSRE said in a press statement; "For that she deserves this honour, she was a truly remarkable racist".

Her statue will be placed in the "British Hall of Racism" located in basement of The Houses of Parliament, London.
Tickets to view the hall are £1.50 for adults, 75p for children.

Google Window Released On Unsuspecting Public

Google announced a controversial new addition to their ever-expanding map service today in the form of "Google Window".


Following the success of Google Maps and Google Street View, this new service allows users to zoom into individual windows and view a live webcam stream.

Google president Eric Schmidt (known as Schmizzy to his friends) was available for an exclusive interview after the press launch of the service, and had several things to share with BanterCast fans.

"We're using technology we adapted from the Google Street View service to bring an ever closer view of inside your neighbour's property".
He went on to suggest some uses for Google Window;
"You could see if your friend is at home without needing to call them up!" he said excitedly "or just get a view of your neighbour getting undressed....I know which I'll be doing".

At that point Mr Schmidt was escorted from the press room by his handlers, who said he was urgently needed in a meeting.

Opponents to the service have called it a "massive intrusion on civil liberties and gross invasion of privacy", but Google were quick to respond with; "that's bullshit, if people didn't want to be spied on, why do they leave their curtains open?"

Google Window View will only be available in certain parts of the US and Canada at first, but Google are hoping to expand it to all countries at a later date.

The service will go live summer 2009, whether you like it or not.

Urban Dictionary Recognises The BanterCast

You all know that we like to make up new words on The Tabbzy and Charltzy Show, or as we see it - teaching you words you SHOULD already know but didn't.

Well, the world's biggest source of made-up words, the Urban Dictionary or simply "The Big Urban Dic" as we call it on the BanterCast, has recognised FOUR of the words frequently found on everyone's favourite morally questionable podcast.


*Bantercasting - "The action of recording a show primarily involved in the broadcasting of banter, usually a radio show or podcast"

*Banterism - "A funny quote or word uttered by someone"

*Bantercast - "A compound word. (banter+broadcast/podcast) A show primarily involved in the broadcasting of comedy/banter, e.g a radio show or podcast"

*Bantercaster - "A person who partakes in recording a comedy radio show or podcast"

At this point we're not going to say we're bigger than Jesus/the prophet Mohammed or every other podcast in the world or something like that.

Give us a few more weeks though, you never know.

Barack Obama Frees The Bantercasters!

As many of you now well know, myself (Charltzy) and my co-bantercaster-in-crime Tabbzy, have been freed from Gitzy Bay.

This is mainly due to now-President Barack Obama, (friend of the show and occasional contributor) closing down the infamous prison and allowing us to be tried in a court in our own country.

This naturally caused an international stir and we were singled out as 2 examples of why they shouldn't have closed the prison, unfair some may cry, probably justified others have said.

But our good friend Barack, known as B.Ozy to his friends, didn't back down and in fact defended us, and our actions in a recent 22-page interview with TIME magazine.


Now many of you are wondering, what exactly we could have done to be locked up without charge, thrown in the depths of a prison worse than a Benidorm hotel and the public being told we don't exist anymore.

Well, lets just say it involved some "religious types" throwing their weight around, an amusing T-shirt, beards catching on fire, the daughter of an Arab Prince, 6 bottles on cheap vodka and misunderstandings of the English language.

We'll let you fill in the details with your imagination. Your guesses are probably accurate.

Maybe now we can finally record episode 3 of the BanterCast!

FaceBook Friend Saves Man From Suicide, Two Weeks Too Late

On the 10th of February 2009, Barry Twinklemire, 26, was found dead in his 1 bedroom apartment in South West London.
According to his FaceBook history, Barry had left a suspicious message on his profile page, his last update of his online status had read "Barry Twinklemire is...going to kill self in bathtub with a laptop".

Police, who found him in the bathtub with his laptop, are calling it an "apparent suicide or a tragic incident".

Barry had over 67,000 friends on FaceBook, many of which had tried to help Barry by sending him a "hug" or a "poke" to prevent him from going through with it.

The police tried to contact many of these friends on why he might have done it, but none were available to comment.

The tragedy was also very nearly avoided, as Barry's FaceBook friend, Steve "The Party Sensation" Sandbrook, had read the suicide note on the social networking website.

"The minute I saw Barry's note, I jumped in my car and drove straight to his place to stop him" Mr Sandbrook said.
He continued; "I got there as fast as I could, but it was a long drive and ferry ride from the Isle of Man, plus I'd never met the guy before and only knew that he lived somewhere in London".

After a week and a half of investigating and searching through 34 different phonebooks, Steve found Barry's house, but was too late to save his friend.
"I was just a couple of weeks too late, but I gave it a bloody good shot", said a devasted Sandbrook.
"I'll probably just spend a few days exploring the captial before heading back home".

FaceBook director and founder, Mark Zuckerberg, saw the positive side of the incident:
"I think this story just proves how FaceBook brings people together, Larry Twanklemire might have just rotted away in his patheticly puny apartment if it hadn't been for the service, his friends really came through for him here".

Many of Barry Twinklemire's friends have left messages of condolence on his FaceBook page, and it has so far amassed over 8 comments.

Tabbzy & Charltzy Detained in Guantanamo Bay, BanterCast Postponed

Many people have wondered about the fate of the BanterCast, which since episode 2 has not seen any new instalments.

Everything was looking rosy for The Tabbzy and Charltzy Show, a new deal signed with Apple to have the show available on the iTunes store, Tabbzy involved in a major Bollywood production and Charltzy's court case finally being resolved.

Unfortunately the banterous duo have been accused of several major international crimes and are currently being held in Guantanamo Bay prison in Cuba.

President-elect Barack Obama, a friend and fan of the show, is currently considering shutting down Guantanamo (known as "Gitzy Bay" by the locals) in order to free the 2 Bantercasters.

Until Obama is sworn in on the 20th of January, the anticipated third episode of the BanterCast will never go ahead.

Readers are encouraged to leave messages of support for Tabbzy and Charltzy in the comments section below.

Stay tuned to the BanterBlog for any updates.

Updated by a defence representative of her Majesty's Government.

Jim Davidson Announces New Tour

Friend of the show and official sponsor of Episode 2 of The Tabbzy and Charltzy Show, Jim Davidson, announced today that he is to launch a brand new stand up comedy tour next February.


Titled "Straight, White and English" the stand-up routine will touch on many aspects of British life, mainly hatred towards anyone not white.
Jim said that despite the title of the tour, he invites people of all colours and race to come along to the show as he said "It should be a good laugh, as it helps the flow of comedy".

Disabled parking is not provided for show attendees, in fact Mr Davidson has specifically asked all ramps for wheelchair access to be removed from the theatres he will be playing at.

"Seeing them disabled fellas really brings down the mood of the show" he said in a press statement about the tour.

Tickets will be available for booking from the 12th of January, exclusively on the BNP website. A discount is available if you are any of the following:

*Over 50 years of age and never been to a foreign country (Passport required as proof)

*A dishonourably discharged member of the Armed Services.
*A group of 5 or more skinheads. (BNP Cards required)
*On the Dole or Jobseekers allowance (No job in past 5+ years only)

*Have only white friends (Full printout of Facebook friends required)

Tabbzy's Bollywood Film Moves Into Post-Production

The film previously known as "Dance, Shoot, Sing" has found itself a new director and title as it movies into post-production.
Due to copyright infringements with 459 other movies, the film has now be renamed to "Mission: Undanceable".

Director Ashad Speilbergas describes the movie as "a violent cop thriller, based firmly on real life events".
When asked if it would conform to Bollywood stereotypes he answered "categorically not, it's far from your typical Bollywood movie, for a start we have hardly any dance scenes in it"
When pushed for examples he replied; " In one shoot-out and torture scene we even reduced it to just four dance routines."

Mr Speilbergas said that production is well under way and the Summer 2009 release date is looking likely to be honoured.